Why Compassion

PAUSE! 

Ask yourself this question. 

"If your best friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, how long would they remain your friend?"

What does it feel like to inwardly hear that question? What happened in your mind... your emotions... your body... when you 'heard' yourself ask it?

If you reacted as I did many years ago when I was asked that question, you might have felt a 'shock wave' through your whole physical, emotional and mental bodies. How could I expect to remain friends with someon who spoke to me in the insulting, derogatory, negative... often aggressive, using violent language? I would know that this was not a healthy friendship... that it was toxic and that I would have to step away from any involvement with the person.  Yet.... this person who was speaking to me in that way was ME.

The result of this inner dialogue with myself was fear, anxiety, a sense of worthlessness... never good enough.  My body was being flooded with cortisol and adrenalin from a continually activated 'threat' system - in fight/flight - and continually under extreme stress. Each moment I was trying to escape from myself.

The practice of compassion was not an easy path, nor a fast one .. but from the outset I could feel the difference this could make towards a more whole and healed sense of self, following the path my first profoundly compassionate teacher had set me.

This question is one which I regularly ask my counselling/therapy clients and students  who attend my self compassion training programmes - a question which shocks them in a similar way it shocked me. 

It is a transformative moment.

There are some few people who seem to have an innate capacity for self kindness and self compassion. However, our culture appears not to cultivate this quality, being more focused on 'performance', 'competition', success, failure, striving... none of which are fundamentally wrong ... but with self-criticism at their centre , the damage to our wellbeing, mental, emotional and physical health can be deep and lasting. 

Over time, the practice of self-compassion will make changes to our brains. and generate a 'tendency' to be more kind, compassionate, gentle with ourselves, showing ourselves more care.  Many people, when we first begin this journey, question the 'validity' of self- compassion. 

Will I become selfish? Will I become lazy and 'let myself off the hook,'? Will I be more self-indulgent?  Will I not deepen my 'negative' qualities and habits?

These questions arise from a fundamental misunderstanding of what compassion truly is... something which will reveal itself as we practise. The questions also arise from the way our culture has led us into some flawed beliefs about who we are, what we are... belief in individual achievement, success, materialism above all else. None of these qualities are wrong .. we can still achieve, be successful, have a good life... but is the way to feel good about ourselves based on self-punishment... striving... stress?  The mental health crisis perhaps points to a flaw in our thinking.

The most interesting thing about self-compassion is that the opposite happens.  The tendency is to become more responsible for who we are, our negative traits and how we respond to others, to see ourselves as 'interconnected' beings with more compassion and empathy for others.  As we begin to understand our own suffering and difficulties, it allows us to see others more clearly and with less judgment. Speaking to others we might become kinder, more understanding, more patient.... more encouraging and supportive.

What exactly is self-compassion? According to, Kristin Neff, Ph.D., self-compassion includes three main pillars:

"1 – Mindfulness

Mindful self-awareness is a necessary faculty for the development of self-compassion. This allows us to bring a gentle awareness to our own suffering.. we can turn gently to our 'inner world' and pay attention to our thoughts, 'stories', the more subtle feelings we are experiencing .... and , importantly, we can begin to witness our experience, without judging ourselves. When we are bringing self-compassion to ourselves, there is a curiousity about our attention - 'a light touch'... very different from judgment.

2 – Common Humanity

Self -compassion is interesting in that a sense of connection with others begins to emerge.  We can gradually begin to recognise that we are not alone and isolated in our suffering and challenges - that we all have something in common as human beings. - we are all struggling in some way. There is a comfort in knowing we are not alone.  Living in a technological age can increase feelings of isolation and 'only me' when we see others apparently having a good time with lots of activity. What do we really know about those human beings?  Gradually self-compassion helps you to see ou are not alone.

3 – Self-Kindness

This refers to your inner voice, which might sound more like an inner critic. When you’re practicing self-compassion, you treat yourself the way you treat someone you respect and appreciate – with kindness, encouragement, and mentorship. Instead of berating yourself each time you mess up, you say, “I’m human and make mistakes. What can I learn from this?” And then you move on."

The path to developing self-compassion is not one to necessarily embark on without support.  Often as we begin these practices we find a need to reach out to others and to find support from others... friends sharing this path, a group of practitioners.. Sometimes we might need the professional support of a counsellor or therapist if we touch upon difficult and painful episodes from our past. If this happens, it is not unusual and, although painful, is an indication that our self compassion is deepening and allowing inner healing to happen. A positive signpost. Self compassion is a courageous path and one which is truly worthwhile.